By Debbie Peterson – Founder of Getting to Clarity, Speaker, Trainer and Coach for the fed up midlife woman looking to fulfill her life’s purpose with confidence and clarity!
Be authentic.
Be who you are.
Be yourself…
Yeah, yeah… You’ve heard it before but what does this really mean? One definition of “authentic” is having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; verified. Evidence of what? Verified against what? Well, that’s easy. It’s who you are and what you stand for. What’s important to you.
But do you know what that is? Have you ever asked yourself before?
That’s why the fifth step to building confidence is Be Authentic. If you were to look for a mate in a relationship what would be important to you? Have you considered it? Have you written it down? Have you prioritized it? Would he have to be romantic? Considerate? Intelligent? What is most important in a relationship? What are the “deal breakers”? Perhaps if he smokes, it’s a no go.
In looking for a job what is most important to you? That you are challenged? That you are part of a great team? That you are compensated fairly? If you spelled out the perfect job for you, what could happen that would make you leave? That you are disrespected?
The more you can define or examine what is important to you, why it is important to you and how important it is to you by prioritizing it, the more “sense of self” you develop. When it comes time to make decisions you are now able to choose with this new information available to you. You can more easily make choices and decisions that move you towards who you are on the inside which aligns you inside and out. It’s like you’ve synced what is in your head with how you live your life and that is why being authentic is so important. This synchronicity gives clarity about yourself and helps to build confidence.
So here is an easy exercise for you to start getting some clarity around what is important to you.
- Ask yourself “What is important to me in the context of ____________?” You relate it to an area of life such as Career, Relationships, Health & Fitness, Spirituality, Personal Development or Family. Ask this question again and again until you absolutely can’t think of anything else. Leave it for a period of time and come back to it in case something else comes to you.
- So now you’ve got a list going, at least 10, and as you look at the list ask yourself “If all of this on my list is present, is there anything that could cause me to leave, stop, quit, etc.? ” Identify that, give it a name and then flip it to the positive and make sure that is on your list too. So for example if in the context of Career, someone at work like your supervisor would disrespect you and that’s a deal breaker for you then you want to make sure whatever the opposite for you is, is on the list. Perhaps respect is the term you would use.
- Now that you have a comprehensive list you want to prioritize it. It’s not looking at the list and saying “Ok, this is 1, this is 2, and this is 3…” Instead, consider one item at a time and compare it to each other item on your list.
Look at the first item on your list. Is it more important than the second item? Then it would be number one (for now). Next, compare number one to the third item on your list. If it’s still number one then move onto the fourth. If while comparing, another item takes over the number one spot there is no need to go back. This is the most important item and you’ll compare it to the rest of the list.
Now look at the first item remaining on your list that isn’t assigned a place or number and use the same procedure as above, comparing it to every item remaining on the list to arrive at your second priority. Continue this way for every item in order to arrive at your true priorities.
While going through your list you may find that some words actually mean the same thing to you (for example respect and courtesy may mean the same thing). Keep whichever word you feel the most strongly about.
When you get into a situation where you are torn and believe that two items on your list are equally as important, you still need to choose one. So if you asked yourself “If I could always have _____ but never have _____, is that better than the opposite and flip them and then select. For instance in the context of Career if I could always have passion (for what I do) but never have respect, is that better than always having respect but never having passion? Sometimes forcing this choice makes you really think about what it important and that is the goal of this exercise.
When you are all finished with your list, be proud of the scribbles, cross outs and rewrites – it means that you’re doing your internal work! Now rewrite your list in order of importance and keep it handy. Add to this list and change it as circumstances change for you. It might stay the same, it might not. But whatever happens, it’s perfect for you.
Here’s a sample of what the exercise would look like.
“What’s important to me in the context of Career?”
- Passion
- Compensated Fairly
- Learning and Growing
- Serving Other Women
- Travel
- Speaking Opportunities
- Teaching
- Fun
- Work From Home
- Flexibility
- Collaboration
“If all of this is present in my Career, is there anything that could happen that would cause me to leave, quit or stop?”
“Yes, disrespect!”
Ok, what is the opposite of disrespect to me? Respect.” Add “respect” to the list:
- Passion
- Compensated Fairly
- Learning and Growing
- Serving Other Women
- Travel
- Speaking Opportunities
- Teaching
- Fun
- Work From Home
- Flexibility
- Collaboration
- Respect
Ok, now time to prioritize:
- Is Passion more important in the context of Career or Compensated Fairly? Hmmmm. Those are both pretty important but if I could always have Passion but never be Compensated Fairly OR always be Compensated Fairly but never have Passion, which would I pick? Passion. So Passion is #1.
- Now I compare Passion to Learning and Growing, Passion is still #1.
- Passion compared to Serving Other Women? Passion is still #1
- Passion compared to Travel, etc. get it?
- Now take Compensated Fairly because it is next on the list and compare it to each item remaining on the list. No need to compare it to Passion, because we already know that’s #1. So Compensated Fairly compared to Learning and Growing. For me it’s Learning and Growing.
- So now I take Learning and Growing and continue to the next item because I’ve already determined it’s more important than Compensated Fairly. Learning and Growing or Serving Other Women? Etc.
Here is what the list ended up looking like:
- Passion
- Learning and Growing
- Serving Other Women
- Respect
- Compensated Fairly
- Travel
- Fun
- Flexibility
- Collaboration
Notice the list shrunk? In this example Teaching is HOW I am going to Serve Other Women so they were synonymous. Also Flexibility meant the same as Working From Home.
I would encourage you to do this in every area of your life. It’s easy and quick – a quiet cup of coffee or tea in the morning is enough time for you to get through this exercise because the key is to not over think it. Go with your gut, go with your instinct, go with your first impression because that is who you are. I hope you’ll have fun exploring this and leave me a comment about what you learn.
Until next time, here’s wishing you the clarity you deserve!
Be good to yourself,
Deb
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